Are you losing weight?

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My work pants are about 2 sizes too big now.

My coworker asked me “Are you losing weight?”. Of course the answer is yes. I have completely lost my appetite; whether it’s side effects of the medicine, or just my brain being weird, I don’t know. I just don’t eat. I am nauseous more times than not.

But for some reason I didn’t want to admit that to my coworker. So I stumbled out some words; something along the lines of “Yeah, side effects, medicines… you know” and made a joke about me needing a belt sometime soon.

My pants sort of hang off my hips as it is and I can get them on and off without the need of their zipper. A few months earlier they were so tight I was considering getting a size up. So my coworker says “I need to get me some of those pills”. But if she knew any of what I have been going through in the past year, maybe she wouldn’t have said that.

Along with that weight loss comes at least 2 other chronic illnesses, which cause constant pain, among a long list of other symptoms.

Along with that weight loss comes a massive list of side effects, including, but not limited to: dry mouth, loss of appetite, nausea, and weight loss.

I couldn’t eat more even if I wanted to.

I have lost 4 pounds in 6 days without trying. I feel dizzy, I don’t have enough energy; and somehow I am not as upset as I should be. Because my sense of self image is so warped that I feel like I SHOULD be skinnier. That I’ll be more attractive at a size 2. I’ve gone from 144 pounds at the beginning of the summer to 125 as of last week.

My illness is visible, if you know where to look.

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6 thoughts on “Are you losing weight?

  1. That’s so tough. I’m on meds which have made me lose my appetite for the first time in my whole life, and it is so weird. I stupidly used to think having less of an appetite would be a good thing (cultural influences on women and body image pressure, what a pain in the ass…), but I’m finding it really hard and sad. Not wanting to eat feels like you don’t want to help your body out, or it does to me anyway. I hate that we live in a world where Lily Allen’s lyrics actually ring true: ‘I’m not a saint, but I’m not a sinner/ And everything’s cool as long as I’m getting thinner.’ Sending empathy, love and spoons x

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    1. Aww thank you for the comment! This is the first time for me too, that I have had no appetite like this. I loved food!!! Big meals were my life. And now it’s like I can actually feel myself starving and it’s scary! I can feel when my stomach is caving in on itself, and I know I should feed myself. But when I do, I can only get through a few bites before I give up. Spoon life, I guess.

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  2. Your story is just like mine, ask for numbing cream for the insertion place. I wish you luck and gentle hugs because this is a long journey. Just keep an open mind and keep fighting and searching because you will find an answer!

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